I'm making a last LJ post! Just kidding. But it will be my last response in terms of the drama.

"It's okay for you to not contact me because you felt awkward, but if I don't talk to you because you think I feel awkward, I'm a bad person?
Jeff I really thought you were more intelligent. you are excusing yourself.

I didn't not see that any apologies were needed from me or from you. I told you that I was taking care of my business my own way and it was getting done regardless of how it was done. Kyle Rajnoor even told me I did not have to go participate in that bullshit and that he would understand if I decided not to. I do not feel that I needed to apologize for telling you how I was going to run MY life. I don't need to apologize now even for living MY life. For wanting to move out of a place that I am unhappy, for wanting to be happy and not take Kyle's shit.

You are blindly siding with Kyle, because it's really fucking cool to say "alyssa is still emo about doug" even though I've been over him for ever. Like I told Leo, everyone was pissed at Diana when she let Ashbii defend her and lie for her when Ashbii did not know the truth.

You are being Kyle's Ashbii right now. You are accepting what he says as truth and assuming things about me without ever listening to my side, without knowing anything that happens in that apartment, putting words into my mouth. If you were good people, you would at the very least listen to my side. Everything I'm telling you is rolling straight past you and you're just thinking of how to respond. This can all be calmed down if you just fucking realize that I moved out for KYLE AND I.
We OBVIOUSLY did not get along.

I WANTED him to be able to do whatever he wanted in the apartment and not have to worry about me, I wanted to be happy, and I wanted to remain his friend. This was for all of those benefits. But as soon as I left he and all of you made it out like I was just dropping you ALL. I am not.
That WAS NEVER THE FUCKING INTENTION.
Quit fucking putting words into my mouth.

This can all be over as soon as Kyle gives me my money. It is mine.
The lease is not being broken. If it were Kyle would have to rewrite a lease and sign it again, and in reality he would not be able to live at those apartments anymore, because that is their policy.
I am being removed from the lease. We are not breaking it. The money is there. The money is mine."

I feel that it was awkward on YOUR part is why. You were going around telling people about how pissed you were at me. Sooo... yeah. I don't see why you wouldn't apologize for telling people that you "hated me" for what I said to you when I was only trying to help you as a friend. =/

Kyle Rajnoor was honestly just saying that. He didn't mean it at all. Like.. really. He just didn't want to start any more drama because that was the whole idea behind Honesty Hour night. To drop the drama. So he did.

I'm not siding with Kyle. I'm telling you how I feel individually. I haven't hung out with you, or heard much from you, ever since you have been hanging out with Shaun. Tell me that I'm wrong?

Oh, and also. You've said on SEVERAL occasions, that you wish you could just move away and leave everything behind. That includes people. So sorry for feeling that you were talking about leaving everything behind, when you were... talking about leaving everything behind.

Anyway. I'm not mad, and I don't hold grudges. I'm over it, so if you are too, then we can go back to being friends, or neutral, or whatevs. I'm out.

Chris asked me tonight what I enjoyed doing, or what I was good at. The only honest response I could provide was video games. I'm really annoyed with myself for not even thinking of another thing. He suggested that I was a decent writer. I shot it down because I hate writing now. My old literature was all inspired by friendships and loves that I have since lost, and now resent. I used to feel such motivation for writing, and now I've completely abandoned that part of my life. It sucks to think about it, but I really don't want to pick up where I left in my past projects. It's something that I thought I could use to keep the few that I kept close to me around. But I realize that's a flawed logic, and that it was all for naught in the end.

Aside from that, I am 100% going to stop bothering with pushing myself onto Janine. She's not into me and I need to understand that. Regardless of how I feel about her, or about the predicament that I've constituted, I can't force my piece of the puzzle into a place it's not fitted for. Life will drag on, dreary as it is. I may feel discouraged or disparaged, but I can deal with it.

On another note, I've been trying so damned hard lately to figure out who I want to be. What kind of person that I want others to see me as. Thinking on this, I've led myself to believe that I want to be somebody that anybody can turn to. Friend or foe, good terms or bad. I want to be a person that people can really talk to and feel relieved after doing it. I want to help everybody, and take the weight off their shoulders. I want to do it at any costs, even if it means putting some of that weight onto myself. I just want to feel important. I want, perhaps even need, to know that people appreciate me for what I do.

I've been growing a lot closer to my co-workers lately. I don't mind it, but I regret to have to say that I like them so much more than my old group of friends. Not in the sense that they're more fun to be around, but they're just so much more relaxed and chill. We never get into arguments, and it's always a good time when we're together. There aren't moments of tension, and it's much easier all around. Of course, this isn't to say that I don't miss my old friends. I do. I love them all with a strict sense of sincerity. I won't ditch them. I know better than to completely up and leave them. I'm here for any of you if you need me. I really hope that you guys know that.

As my final note, I'd really appreciate if some of you guys would text me more often. Ask how I'm doing, and more or less just chat with me. I'd love to hear from you all. It'd also help me since you would be distracting me from my emotions and inner thoughts. Please?

I'm slowly falling away from my happy high. Things are beginning to look grim, and I just feel so tired of fighting for something that I feel I should deserve. I'm not saying that I'm angry or upset, while I may be either, but I am just plain tired. My days are consistently the same, and I feel so bored and consumed by it. It's awful.

I start off days by waking up and texting something absolutely miscellaneous to Janine. I hope and wait for a response. Now that I don't have school, I sit at home and do nothing. I'll occasionally receive a message from Chelsea Brown, and she'll ask me for help. I don't mind helping, but aiding somebody that is so negative about everything... I'm breaking down. I don't know how to help somebody that is so damaged, and it's just hard to accept that. I want to help, I really do. But how can I possibly help somebody that's barely even willing to admit that they have a problem?

I proceed the day by texting others and talking about Janine, which is something I should also probably stop doing. I figure people grow weary of the same chitter chatter that I provide about this crush. After enough time flutters away, I go to work. I then explain to my co-workers the current situation with Janine. Again, I should stop that. After work, we usually hang out. I'd be texting Janine while hanging out with them, of course. I'm not going to say that I should stop that, but I think I'll be cooling that down quite a bit.

Maybe I should just give up for a while. I'm not particularly interesting, and I feel that being attractive is such a paramount feature that I don't possess. I should stick with my boring and dreary hobbies of sitting at home, playing video games, and learning guitar. I'm not very good at much else. =/

LiveJournal isn't where you spam useless crap every hour. Go to Myspace for that. :|

Oh, and plz post links to pictures instead of pictures. So much space.. D:

I'm not mad at anybody. Nobody is mad at anybody. I posted a blog to clear out my mind, and apparently it's starting drama. The blog was simply just my thoughts, but it's spiraling into some bullshit that apparently people are taking offensively.

I didn't blame Ashbi for anything, and I've already cleared that up with her. I said that it was wrong of her to go around and tell everybody what happened. She apologized and that was over with. I don't see why it's coming back around. The stupid rumor about me "kicking Diana out because I didn't get any" is completely ridiculous and not the reason. If everybody has to know, because apparently it just fucking eats away at everybody if they don't, it was because I was annoyed. We constantly made plans to hang out and do things, and she would always be late and assume that I would wait and having nothing else planned with anybody. Happy that you're "in" on what really happened? There you go.

I wasn't worrying about any drama, because I've already dropped it. I seriously am NOT the one keeping this up. I didn't do anything and I'm tired of it being dug up all over again. I'm not blaming my fucked up relationship on anybody, and if anything, I blame it on myself. If that pleases anybody to hear how miserable I actually am.

As for the Shienna thing, I'd like to state that first of all, Ashbi was the one who told me that story in the first place. Secondly, I'd like EVERYBODY to know that JORDAN was the one who made the damned story and jokes. I laughed at them. That was all. As for the whole "it's funny when it's not you" I can see that. But here's a few points on it: Shienna WILLINGLY degraded herself and let him to do it to her. She wasn't actually HURT by it. I, on the other hand, was damaged severely and nobody gave a flying fuck. So please, drop this bullshit.

As a last note, I don't trust everything that Diana says anymore. I never said I do. I don't trust anything that anybody tells me, to be quite truthful. I'm a paranoid little asshole now. So here you all go, a piece of my mind that you apparently need to fucking hear. Hope everybody can shut the fuck up and drop this stupid drama that literally is boiled up over nothing.

-_-;;



Oh, and to clarify. That web didn't start at Jordan. It didn't start at anybody in particular. It was just a web to show that if any one person heard anything it travels. It's how word gets around, and that's that. I didn't include Diana, big deal. I didn't include a lot of people. I understand that some or most of the information/rumors get started by her. I just didn't put her in the web because she understands why I don't tell people things.

Thanks, I guess.